Last Lol Book Contest for 1998

December 17, 1998

Entries - Part II

 

Lady Robyn:

I went to a taping of The Price is Right. Tom Selleck was on the same lot filming a new movie. The title was The Beefcake Review. It had lots of men in it. There were male cheerleaders, dancers dressed in full highlander dress with these really short kilts. I found it really hard to leave that set, I tell you! I was all sweaty just watching them dance around. Afterwards I went to a restaurant to cool off. I had some Strawberry shortbread with a side of some really good cornbread and vanilla ice cream. What a trip that was. I could get used to that.

 

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Lady C:

Juliette's Fortune

It was a beautiful spring morning in Edinburgh. Juliette couldn't help but smile over her shortbread and tea. Why only last week she was in the United States slaving away in a textile mill, but now she was in beautiful Scotland.

The day she was given a Ticket to The Price is Right was definitely her lucky day. Every since that day, all kinds of wonderful things had happened to her.

The day started out as any other except for the problem of how to get out of work so that she could attend the show. She was sure she would never be called as a contestant but she just wanted the excitement of being there in person. She knew if she was caught skipping work, her job would be lost. But something inside of Juliette made her decide to call in sick. After taking care of that problem she dressed with care. She put on her favorite dress and put her long strawberry blonde hair up, everyone always said she looked more sophisticated with her long tresses up. She looked at her watch and realized she only had 10 more minutes before having to leave for the studio. Deciding that she had better eat something, she took some leftover cornbread from the night before. It had gotten a little hard, but Juliette really didn't notice, she was just too excited. After finishing her breakfast she headed out for the Studio.

Once she had arrived, she noticed that, the crowd of people waiting to get into the studio were very unhappy. She asked a lady what was going on. The lady said that she heard that Bob Barker was ill and would not be able to do the show today. Juliette couldn't believe what she was hearing! She had looked so forward to this and now after everything she had done to attend, it simply wasn't to be. Juliette didn't want anyone to see that she was about to cry. Nothing ever seemed to go right for her. She slipped back through the crowd and into a near by alley. There she stood all alone and weeping. Why couldn't things ever go right! She cried. Just then she felt a hand upon her shoulder and a deep voice asking her if everything was all right. She started and turned around and looked up at the most handsome man she had ever seen in her life. He was about 6'3" tall with wavy Black hair and a mustache. His build was muscular, this she could tell because he was wearing a Kilt of all things.

She sort of stammered but finally got out that she would be just fine. She felt really stupid about crying over a television program. I will be okay, just having a bad morning.

The man looked at Juliette with such concern in his eyes. Juliette found it hard to make eye contact. She had never in her 19 years had a man look at her with such compassion.

My name is Tom, he said. What is yours?

Juliette, she said.

Why are you standing in this alley all alone and crying? Its not the safest place to be.

Juliette didn't know what to say. She didn't want this man thinking she was a baby, but then quickly she decided to change the subject. May I ask what you are doing in this alley in a kilt?

He smiled! It was an infectious smile, making her eyes light up and sparkle! Tom had never seen anyone or anything as beautiful as this young woman. I am on my way to Studio B for a taping of the show "Highlander"!

Oh, you are an actor!

Well trying to be, he laughed.

Would you like to come along to the Studio and see the taping! Tom didn't know what ever possessed him to do such a thing, but hey her smile was beautiful and she looked as if she needed some cheering up.

Juliette didn't know what to say, she wanted to go, but she really didn't know this man. Although he was nice and very handsome, a real beefcake as her friend Hope would say, she wasn't sure it was what she should do.

What she should do is rush home change her clothes and go to work, but something inside her kept saying " Go Juliette, Just Go".

Juliette always had a way of listening to her inner voice. So, she took a deep breath, looked up into those gorgeous blue eyes and said, Yes, I would love to go.

Great! Said Tom. We must get going if we are to arrive on time.

Tom took her hand and led her back down the alley.

Juliette couldn't believe the strength, yet gentleness of his hand holding hers. It made her heart beat wildly.

Here we are! Would you like to go back stage with me?

Yes she replied with a deep husky voice she barely recognized as her own.

Good, then you can see what really goes on with the Television show. It's not all glamour.

As they made there way through the winding corridors to the back stage, Juliette noticed that just about every woman they passed just stared at her as if she were an alien or something.

Little did she know, but every woman on the lot had been trying to get Toms attention for weeks, but to no avail.

They arrived backstage and Tom told her to wait behind the cameramen. She watched Tom as he made his way towards the Director. Juliette knew he was the director because there on the back of his chair in bold letters it said "DIRECTOR"

Juliette just couldnt believe her fortune. This was much better than going to the Price is Right.

Tom and his director were having a very heated discussion about something. Juliette wasn't sure, but it sounded to her as if Tom wasn't happy with the setting.

After several minutes Tom returned to Juliette's side. His chest was all sweaty from the heat of the lights.

His expression was not a happy one.

Tom what is wrong? Juliette asked in a shy voice.

That Director and his male cheerleaders are going to ruin this show!

What do you mean?

John, the director, and his staff are going to ruin the authenticity of the show. We were suppose to film this part of the show in Scotland but the director did not want to use what was left in his budget for this episode, so we are stuck with this shoddy scenery! It doesn't even resemble Scotland in the least!

But Tom, I said, Where do the male cheerleaders fit into this?

Tom started laughing. Oh you sweet child, I refer to John's staff as male cheerleaders because no matter what he says or does, they are always cheering him on.

Oh, said Juliette, feeling a little foolish.

So what are you going to do?

I told them that either they find the budget to move this show to Scotland or I would walk out of my contract. My contract fully states that I will only work in top of the line productions.

Just then, John walked over to where Tom and Juliette stood.

Tom turned to face John, and John said, "Tom Selleck if it weren't for you there would be no show. If you must have this episode shot in Scotland, then so be it."

Tom shook Johns hand while grinning from ear to ear.

After John walked away Tom picked up Juliette and swung her around and around while hugging her.

He nearly crushed the breathe right out of her.

After Tom set Juliette down, she didn't know what to say or do.

She looked at Tom, God he is the most handsome man I have ever seen. I will cherish this day always.

I believe it is time that I go, said Juliette.

Go? Asked Tom, seeming confused.

Yes, I should go home and go to work. That is if I still have a Job.

Well I have an idea, Juliette, why don't you forget about your Job and come to Scotland with ME!

With you? Well I, I don't know, I mean I have never… I really don't know you! How could I, up and go to Scotland just like that? After all, I have a lot of responsibilities here.

Like what, said Tom?

Well, my Job for one.

But you just said you might not even have a job to go back too! Besides have you ever been to Scotland before?

Why no, I have never been out of Los Angeles! But still, it wouldn't be right.

Juliette, look I am not going to hurt you or make you do anything you don't want too. I just thought that it would be lovely this time of year in Scotland and I want to share that with you.

So that is how Juliette came to be in Edinburgh. Waiting for the location of the shoot to be found.

She was having a glorious time with Tom.

He was the most remarkable man she had ever met!

 

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Lady MJ:

B is for Beefcake, and we all love beefcakes
C is for Cornbread, which Jamie would love
(I know...pretty lame so far, but it gets better. *S*)
H is for Hard and Highlander, put them together and LIFE IS GOOD
K is for Kilt-- add to hard and highlander and your recipe is just about complete.
M is for Male Cheerleaders, which I canna seem to find a damn thing to write about.
M is also for Mel...but I guess he's not in this contest.
S is for Shortbread, which I guess is what male cheerleaders would eat?
S is also for Sweaty-- add to Hard and Highlander and kilt and you can bet your arse some hoser is having fun tonight!
S is also for Scotty, who is without a doubt one of the most intelligent, wonderful laddies ever to grace us with his presence. (ye did say he is judging, no?)
T.P.I.R. is for The Price Is Right--which you have no business watching if you have a sweaty, hard, kilted highlander with you.
T.S. is for Tom Selleck, who will do just fine if your sweaty, hard, kilted Highlander is a no-show.

 

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Lady Martha:

When Billy Bob bought the explosives, the a Tom Selleck-tion had not been good - no Hydrogen, no Plutonium - but he figured that when the price is right, you have to use what you can get, so instead of obliterating the entire congregation, the bomb only emitted a blast of hot air toward the food tables, charring Maybel Portnoy's special dessert/entree combination she calls beefcake and causing a piece of hard cornbread to become airborne and fly over Michael J. Fox's head - since he, the progeny of two 5-footers, was shortbread - and whack sweaty Bill Clinton, who had been intently watching the male cheerleaders, in the solar plexus, which kilt him without stopping the cornbread, which wound up on top of a tall bookshelf: a highlander.

 

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Lady Amanda S:

The Dream

Lying in bed I stared at the ceiling, kept awake buy the internal rumblings of my loudly protesting midriff. "Shouldn’t have eaten so much" I muttered to myself. My dear husband groaned and rolled away from the disturbance. I peered at him in the dim light. When we first met he reminded me of Tom Selleck - now he looks more like Neil Diamond. "Ahhh, we all change as the years pass." I thought to myself as I lovingly patted his rump. My belly gurgled in agreement.. Was it the extra helpings of cornbread at dinner or the hot chocolate and shortbread just before retiring?

"What wild and interesting dreams will I have tonight?" I wondered. In the past I have had vivid nocturnal images after indulging a little too much at the table. The most memorable one recently was a chorus line of raccoons dancing like Fred Astaire in top hats and tails. I got a good laugh from the Ladies of Lallybroch with that one. Maybe tonight I could have a sexy beefcake dream with a whole chorus line of male cheerleaders, instead of overgrown garbage eating rodents! At the thought of garbage eating, my stomach gave another resounding rumble. "Earthquake!" whispered my dear husband as he rolled back towards me, blinking bleary eyed - looking rather raccoon like himself.

I reassured him that all was well and that there was no imminent danger of the house caving in. He settled back to sleep with the ease of a child, which left me feeling rather envious of his skill. Giving up on the idea of getting rest anytime soon, I rose quietly and wandered into the living room, stopping on the way past the bathroom to get some disgusting pink stuff in a bottle. I wiped off my Pepto mustache, curled up in a blanket on the couch and flicked on the TV. "Oh Joy - the Game Show Channel is playing reruns of The Price Is Right. I’m SO glad we spent all that extra money for digital cable." Sarcasm dripping through my thoughts. Good thing we got BBC America with the deal, one of the five channels out of a couple of hundred that I can tolerate watching.

Switching over I was pleased to see that Eastenders was finishing (hopefully for good!) and Hamish McTavish was about to start. The program is generally not that riveting, but the Highland scenery and accents make the program worth watching. Hmmmmm, it is set in modern times though - if I close one eye and squint I might be able to ignore the cars and other modern amenities. I feel my self starting to slip into slumber……..

 

"Take m’ hand lassie, I’ll help ye doon"

I’m startled awake to find myself standing on a rocky crag of a Munro. Looking around for the owner of the lovely deep voice I see that I am in rather a precarious position. The ledge is about ten feet higher than the rest of the steep granite strewn mountain side. Noticing in passing that I’m wearing quite a pretty dress, but not like anything that I would wear in my waking hours. Nice dream. Look at that view! I stood staring at the magnificent vista that I had missed experiencing on my last trip to Scotland, because I was in no physical condition to go mountain climbing.

"*Tch*, Lassie, do ye mean to be standin’ up there all day? Are ye stuck?"

I look towards the sound of the voice I had momentarily forgotten. I see a large hand extended from below and a glint of red hair amongst the heather and bracken that had taken root on the cliff face. This is seeming less like a dream as time goes by, but still skeptical I kneel down and look over the edge. Standing perched on a small boulder at the foot of the cliff is the living image of Jamie I have always kept in my mind. At this point I give up the idea that this is a dream, because I have no intention of waking - ever.

"Yes, I am a bit stuck. Would you help me down?" I shift from my knees to my rump swinging my legs over the edge, then flip over onto my stomach (which at this point is mercifully silent) and start to shimmy off the ledge - face down. I had not anticipated what this would do to my skirts and petticoats as they got caught in the bracken and I wriggled on without them. Just as they were about to rise enough reveal me well above the knee, a large pair of hands clasped my corseted waist and lowered me to perch beside him the bolder. I couldn’t turn around immediately and stood facing the cliff. I was frozen with the thought that once I turned he would be gone.

But turn I eventually did, slowly at first then faster as I saw he was still there. So fast actually, that I spun and lost my precarious balance. The fall was short and hard, but not damaging to anything but my pride. I stood slowly and looked at the highlander fully for the first time. He was quickly walking down the side of the rock like it was a paved road, looking just like the character from the books I had read so much. Wearing a full plaid in the Fraser tartan around his slim waist and over one broad shoulder, as well as a white billowing shirt. A running stag brooch to completed the ensemble - glowing silver like an echo of his glowing red gold hair, lit for a moment by the intermittent sun . I wondered briefly what was beneath the kilt and my palms became sweaty at the thought of running my hands under to find out. He came over to me with a look of concern on his handsome face.

"Ye are noo harmed then lassie?"

My knees went week at the sound of his deep highland burr. I reached out, grasping for stability. His broad chest was in front of me in an instant and my face was buried in the soft cloth of his sark.

"Jamie, you’re real!" I exclaimed, my words only partially muffled by the material. It smelled like heather and outdoors.

"Aye, I’m real enough. How will ye ken my name then?" He pulled away a little to look at my face. "Ye are not from around here, noo?"

I was at a loss as to how to explain my Australian accent. Was my country even discovered yet in his time? I decided that discussing it was the last thing I wanted to do. I might wake up at any time!

"No, I’m from a ways off. Could you tell me a bit about this place?"

"Och well, Aye…I grew up here…" He sat on the ground and leaned up against the bolder to start telling me about the picturesque area. "Will ye join me for a bite then? You look a bit fatched." He reached towards his sporran his loose hair blowing in the slight breeze.

This was turning out to be the best dream I could have imagined and I settled down by him to enjoy the experience. (Better even than a beefcake chorus line!)

I awoke the next morning, stiff from sleeping on the couch (perhaps) to the idiotic sounds of the Teletubbies. For the first time in my life I could remember everything of a dream from beginning to end. I shut off the TV and rushed to the computer to record it - word for word, thought for thought and every feeling in between. I can’t wait to share it with my LOL friends, but I’m not sure Jamie would approve.

I’ll have to ask him…….. next time we meet between worlds.

 

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Lady Linda V:

There once was a highlander named Fraser,
In his kilt he looked sharp as a razor.
He hailed from the land that smells of shortbread,
On a plate the English had wanted his head.

On the run he found Claire, what a beautiful sight,
She's one prize not on offer on The price is right!
Living on cornbread, the highlands they fled,
Their love was eternal, pure love as their bed.

His male cheerleaders led by John Grey and Black Jack,
A beefcake they thought, Oh Jamie come back!!!
What a body he's got, all sweaty and hard,
With Jamie didn't they play the wrong card!

Blood of my blood, Bone of my bone,
Only each others heart as their home.
Now for the ending, but what of Tom Selleck?
Jamie's our man, not that old relic!!!!!!!!!

 

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Lady Debbie F:

The Dating Game

Scotty muttered a sharp Gaelic expletive under his breath as John Grey finished straightening his collar.

"Ye look fine Scotty, now go out there and have some fun," John advised, brushing away a bit of lint.

"I feel like an idiot. When I get my hands on that booking agent." Scotty said glaring at the stage to their left.

"Be grateful he didn't book you on "The Price Is Right," John muttered, "The Ladies of Lallybroch made a special trip to be here today, so the casting director wanted a real Scotsman to handle the show. Your name came up, and, voila, your 15 minutes of fame my friend!" John was grinning now at Scotty's obvious discomfiture.

"Weel, next time if they want beefcake, let them call Tom Selleck. This is a tough crowd, John! Do ye hear them yelling for a Highlander with a sword of steel!"

"Well, if they get outta line, you can always show them yours, ye ken?"

Walking briskly into the spotlight, Scotty smiled at everyone and began,

"Welcome Ladies of Lallybroch to the special edition of The Dating Game. Today we have three braw lads to tempt our guest, Lady Debbie. Bachelor No. 1 hails from the Highlands near Castle Leoch (voice over: "Dougal McKenzie"), Bachelor No.2 is a fine gentleman from Fort William environs (voice over: "Black Jack Randall"), and lastly, Bachelor No. 3 has come to us from near Broch Mordha (voice over: "James Fraser"). With no further ado, Lady Debbie, please begin your questions."

Holding her cards on her lap, Lady Debbie looks up and asks, "We've planned to have a picnic in the mountains today. Bachelors, please tell me what you have put into the basket that you are bringing."

Bachelor #1: "Weel, lass, no Highlander would go far without a sausage roll, maybe some cornbread and good stout ale to wash it down."

Bachelor #2: "Well, madam, I would have my manservant pack us a light luncheon of caviar, French bread and a bottle of brandy."

Bachelor #3: "Weel, na leannanan, we'll probably work up quite an appetite, I'd bring along fresh bannocks, cheese and a good malt whiskey to toast our good fortune to be spending the day together."

Smiling at that answer, Lady Debbie proceeds, "Tell me is it true what a Highlander wears under his kilt?"

Bachelor #1: "Weel, I dinna ken what ye've been told lass, but I'm as bare as the day I was born and so are all the men who answer to me!"

Bachelor #2 (wiping a sweaty brow): "Well, madam, most genteel women I know would never ask such a thing! Obviously, you're a wanton madam!"

Bachelor #3: "Weel, na leannanan, with you at my side, I would be wearing only my desire, hot and hard as that may be."

Obviously getting quite hot herself, Lady Debbie begins fanning her face with the cards, but she has the last question memorized, "Bachelors, if you were to feed me a sweet, would it be a shortbread, a bon-bon or a honey ball?"

Bachelor #1 (grinning widely) "Why, lass, do ye have a yen for balls of honey?"

Bachelor #2 (scowling at Bachelor #1)"Madam, I would be honored to feed you all the bon-bons you would desire."

Bachelor #3 "Weel, my sweetheart, only the sweetest Scottish shortbread for you and then you could lick the crumbs off my fingers..."

Scotty breaks in, "Well, thank you very much Bachelors. I'm sure that Lady Debbie has all the information she needs to make her decision. Well, shall it be Bachelor #1, Bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?

Standing up, Lady Debbie walks over to Scotty and whispers in his ear.

Smiling, he turns and announces to the Ladies of Lallybroch, "Well, Jamie Fraser is gonna get lucky, er I mean, Jamie Fraser is the lucky one! Come on down and meet your date Jamie!

Bursting from behind the curtains, Ian, Fergus, Roger and Jared run up to Jamie, clapping him on the shoulder and hooting like a gang of male cheerleaders, "Way to go Fraser!"

Jamie strides over to where Lady Debbie is standing and shakes Scotty's hand. "Ye're a lucky man, Fraser. Shall I tell ye what ye've won man?," Scotty asked releasing the big Scots' hand.

"Och, aye!"

"Weel, the happy couple have won an all-expense paid weekend holiday at the restored -Scottish -castle -turned -ski resort of your choice!"

Leaning over to whisper in her ear Jamie says, "I dinna ken how to ski, but I know how to handle the slopes!"

Smiling blissfully, they walk arm-in-arm off the set.

Turning to the audience, who is now chanting, "Show us ye're sword of steel lad!" Scotty smiles and says, "Well that's all for now folks. And I'll show you fine ladies a true Scots sword if you'll meet me in your room tonight and turn on this terrific message board I know of with your lights burning low..."

Exit stage left, with a smile on his face, "Tom Selleck eat your heart out man! You don't have a sword of steel and you don't have the Ladies of Lallybroch!"

 

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Lady Kell:

"Well, now, he isn't any Tom Selleck, is he?" I asked myself as I looked across the table at my first blind date. He was very much your Average American Male, much as you might see on any given day at Home Depot, or even on "The Price Is Right." Not too hard, not too soft, possibly more cornbread than beefcake...yet at just over 6' tall, I'd guess, definitely not "short"bread.. I had to silently chuckle in spite of myself at that one...

He ordered some wine. You know - it's funny how you can warm up to a man once you get talking to him..the handsome one can become very homely in a matter of minutes depending on how he works at a conversation. And the Average American, (or even less than the Average) can become quite charming and endearing.

As he spoke I noted a slight lilt in his voice. I had had a few glasses of wine and they seemed to be working - it was getting warm in the room and so were parts of me. As I watched him I started to see a bit of a highlander in him (one of my fantasies, I must admit). Suddenly I had the urge to ask him if he'd ever worn a kilt. I was amazed to realize that the thought of it made me a bit sweaty..he looked at me (in his Average American Way) and said, "What do I look like, the kind of guy who joins male cheerleaders?"

Suddenly the highlander was sadly replaced by Mr. Home Depot once again. Ah well, so much for my sweatiness and my first blind date...I have to admit it was very good wine, though.

 

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Lady Dee:

While on a well-earned vacation to Inverness with my younger sister, I felt a strange compelling urge to visit the fairy's hill and perhaps follow the path of a well known and well loved time-traveler. My sister, a non-believer,waved me on as she settled in to watch reruns of her favorite beefcake, Tom Selleck.

"Aren't you even the least bit curious?" I asked.

She plucked the last bit of shortbread from a very British, very old, platter. "It's raining, for God's sake. I'm chilled to the bone." She pulled an old comforter around her shoulders and stared at the boob-tube, watching a commercial for American athletic gear. A group of very enticing male cheerleaders were parading around in various stages of undress. I could feel the mindless allure of the great wasteland of daytime tlevision. It was the same the world over.

"Christ! The next thing will be The Price is Right." I grabbed my new London Fog and my Rent-a-car keys, and rushed out into a fine Scottish mist. I could vegetate at home in Buffalo. I didn't save for four years to catch reruns on a 13" television complete with rabbit ears and ghosts. I was determined to enjoy the full Scottish experience. And since rain and Scotland go together like cornbread and beans, I was on my way.

The fairy's hill was looming ahead as I pulled onto the side of the road. I felt, as well as heard, the familiar humming almost immediately. "I knew it!" I whispered, as though I might break the spell if I spoke any louder. I walked, and then ran toward the crest of the hill. I was sweaty and cold, but determined. The stones surrounded me. They were taller than I had imagined. The humming was a steady roar by now, and even with the knowledge that the passing would be rough, I lept through the cleft in the large stone to my left. I won't go into the trip, suffice it to say, it was memorable. I don't know how long it took, but I arrived in the precise year that I was aiming for. 1740!! After all, i needed to get there first, didn't I? My plan, if you could call it that, was simple. I would buy a horse, ride to Leoch, and lay claim to one very tall, very hard and lean highlander. The thought of him in his kilt (and under it) sent chills down my already excited body. As I crossed the bridge to the castle, There

he was, leaning against an oak as if waiting for me. He waved and called out, "Come on down!"

Bob Barker and my sister were there too.

"No!" I said and rushed out into a fine Scottish mist.

 

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Lady Char:

"Pass me the beefcake and the cornbread," the sweaty Highlander growled, plopping his kilt-clad rump on the turf after a hard afternoon of caber-tossing. "I'm so hungry I could eat horse sausage. And don't be forgetting the shortbread, neither!"

I hesitated. The male cheerleaders were still shouting. "Toss it! Toss it! You know the Price is Right! Toss it! Toss it! Give us some delight!"

I wondered if I was in a scene from "In and Out." Was Tom Selleck about to appear?

Just too many men here, I decided. Time for me to leave.

 

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Lady Mercedes:

"What do you have to say for yourself, ma’am??"

Well, you see, there I was, Christmas shopping in WalMart. It was so hard to fight those crowds, and the lines were really long. I was feeling very stressed out when I strolled through the electronics department to look for a video for my niece and saw Tom Selleck on one of the TVs. It was an old Magnum P.I. rerun. What a beefcake! He’s the butter on my cornbread, or is that shortbread? Well, whatever the saying is, the guy is GORGEOUS! I stopped to watch, just to unwind a bit. The program showing on the next TV was about some immortal highlander wearing a kilt and carrying a HUGE sword. TOO COOL. Next thing I know, some sweaty guy who looks like one of those male cheerleaders who forgot to bathe comes up and switches the highlander show to The Price Is Right!!! THE NERVE!!! Well, a very sweet woman wearing a plaid vest with a dragonfly pin on it was standing behind me, totally mesmerized by the highlander guy (he was cute!). She took immediate exception to the sweaty guy changing the channel. She burst into tears and stammered, "That was AdrIAN!!!" The rude man started laughing and shoved her aside. That’s when I slapped him, Officer. He deserved it!!!

Can I go home now? I’ve got tons of presents to wrap and these four HUGE books to read. That sweet woman with the plaid vest gave them to me for helping her out!

Merry Christmas, hosers!!!

 

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Lady Hedy and Lady Ellie:

This is an in depth Interview about an Actor and a Highlander role that he had to play.

The Actor's name is Tom Selleck. Tom was hired by a Casting Agency known as "The Ladies of Lallybroch Agents"(to be known for the balance of this tale as LOL). The LOL had placed an ad in Variety stating the following:

Film: The Sweaty Highlander

Location: Vancouver, B.C.

Directed by: Dame Judie

Casting by: The Ladies of Lallybroch Agency

Dates: January '97 thru January '98

The story, as told to the Interviewers (H E -- Co-Writers for the LOL Magazine of Canada) by Mr. Selleck himself is a complicated one, but, we will endeavor to relay it accurately.

E: Mr. Selleck, we understand that there was a problem on the film set

to do with your wearing a of Kilt?

Tom: Yes Y. Thanks for asking that question. Before I answer though, I'd just like to say that You and X are the most BEAUTIFUL Interviewers that I have encountered in years. Better than Mary-what's-her-name from "Entertainment Tonight".

H/E: Oh - Thank you Tom. (blushing slightly)

Tom: Now -as to that D**m Kilt. As you know, the Director, Judie, insisted that I(and the entire crew, which incidentally consisted entirely of men) wear this thing, even on days that I wasn't filming. Well - you are probably also well aware of the difficult and changing weather that is so common in the Vancouver area. It was a particularly hot summer day he pauses to reflect, August I think, I couldn't bear another minute of that itchy wool around my waist and clinging to my knees....

H/E: (Breathless) - Yes?

Tom: ....so, I decided to stroll off to my trailer for an hour OUT OF THE D**M THING, and enjoy the air-conditioning and, since I had a little time I stretched out on the couch to relax...

H/E: (Both looking a little flustered and trying HARD not to drool)

Tom: I don't think I was there 15 minutes before this racket started and I realized it was coming from Judie's trailer.

H/E: (coming back to reality)....What was going on?

T: I don't know if you have heard, but Judie has also been working on a strange and cornbread-type documentary about male cheerleaders. (smiling) I'm not kidding. The real deal. You know "Ra..Ra.." this and "Ra..Ra.."that.

H/E: (eyebrows raised) .....No..No we hadn't heard.

Tom: No?....Judie's Agency, The LOL, has been auditioning for this film for some time. She is such a perfectionist. She has these guys practicing all the time! God that woman spends hours with these guys. I know many a night they would still be in Judies trailer when I was leaving. I have never met anyone so dedicated to their work! She worked those guys so hard, the sweat would be just pouring off them.

H/E: (both with wicked grins) ...Was she this hard on you?

Tom: Well besides having me wearing that d**m kilt all of the time (scratching his thigh) she had very definite ideas as to how it should look. She spent I don't know how many hours rearranging the pleats, buttoning and unbuttoning the shirt. Shirt on....shirt off.

H/E: (Trying very hard not to lose it) Yes....

Tom: (Grrrrrrrrrrrowl).....Oh excuse me. I haven't eaten much to day and my stomach is giving me a little...uhhmm reminder.

H: Oh I have something for you! Would you like some shortbread cookies? (leaning over to offer them to Tom as the front of her blouse opened slightly leaving Tom momentarily speechless)

Tom: .......Oh......um..yes...Thank you (recovering...now with a devilish grin on his face)

E: please continue Tom (nudging E. and rolling her eyes @ the rather obvious ploy with the blouse front-thing)

Tom: SDNMOWF-smack-alksdfjerj - (talking with his Mouthful)

E: Sorry - take your time with that. May I offer you a drink Tom?

Tom: Yeah -- thanks. Rather dry shortbread isn't it. I mean, its very tasty and all, just , uhm, dry.

E: (Handing him a glass of Sangria)I haven't tried it myself. Now then, Tom, you've been lauded as a "Beefcake/Stud-Type". How do you feel about that?

Tom: Gosh, no one has actually thought of me that way in a while now. I guess after my appearance on that cornbread show..."Friends", it sort of started up again. I am who I see in the mirror each morning. I guess I'm flattered, but, it does bother my Wife.

H: (totally cutting in on Tom) I believe the phrase you want there Tom is "Cornball". I didn't know that you were still married Tom!!!! (shock clearly showing)

Tom: Yes, I am.

H: (full face blush now) Er, well, I heard something a long time ago, but, I notice you aren't sporting a Wedding Band.

Tom: Ahh. Yes,well, that brings me back to that Director, Judie. She told me that Married Men in the middle 1700's did not wear rings, so, its actually in my trailer. It was the first thing she spotted when she the LOL Auditioned me for the part.

E: (leaning towards Tom) Gee - Tom, what would motivate you to move to Vancouver for a whole year of filming?

Tom: Well, I really liked the script, I believe in the project, and, hey, Frankly speaking, when the price is right, I am for hire. After all, I'm an actor, this is what I do. As I was saying, these LOL women, Judie the Director, in particular, demand that I wear this D*mn Kilt ALL THE TIME. Frankly, I thought it was difficult in the summer, as I was saying, however, now that the Temperature is dropping, I have a whole new respect for the Scottish Highlander's who wore these D*mn Kilts YEAR-ROUND! The draughts are killer on a Guys, (blushing) -- er, uhm, well, A Guys MANHOOD! It is freezing on the outdoor set!

E: (grinning from ear to ear) Would you like us to turn up the heat Tom? (stands as if to reach for the thermostat)

H: (elbowing Y down on to her wee arse) Tom, let me turn the heat up for you.

E: (Growling from the back of her throat) - H!

Tom: (staring at both of us) Ladies, please. I'm fine. In fact, its getting warmer by the minute. I'm afraid that I need to get back on the set now... I can hear Judie hollering from here.

E: Tom -- (unabashedly oggling now)We'd like to thank you so much for your talking with us this evening.

Tom leaves. A brawl breaks out as H E elbow each other ferociously to follow Him in his Full Highland Kilt. At this point, H turns to E and asks:

"How come you never even offered him the Sausage dish that you made especially for Him?" ....

 

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Lady Barb P:

WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION

Mom and Dad dragged me to one of those HIGHLANDER games Mom is so mesmerized by. Well, not wanting to admit I was much interested in BEEFCAKE looking guys in KILTS, I closed my eyes HARD and groaned. It was a hot and SWEATY day so the first thing I did when we arrived was to search for a cool spot to rest. Under a nearby tent CORNBREAD and SHORTBREAD were being sold and, while THE PRICE IS RIGHT, I decided to look around a bit. Then, in the shade, I spotted him, a gorgeous guy who looked exactly like TOM SELLECK. He smiled and I smiled back. Then I realized he was pointing at me! He seemed *happy* to see me! "Now please," I thought, "climb down off that pile of MALE CHEERLEADERS and pull your KILT back down!!" Now I know why Mom likes these things so much!

 

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Lady Porfyria:

Haiku to Jamie

AKA Lust knows no season.

Perfect Highlander.
Hard as five day old cornbread
In Summer sweaty shirt.

Male cheerleaders suck!
Their beefcake not spring saplings.
No comparison.

Fire red autumn hair,
Sweeter than winter shortbread,
Even moreso in kilt.

Unattainable.
For Claire The Price is Right,
For us, Tom Selleck.

 

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Lady Kim Marie:

There once was a lady from Glasgow,
who ate nothing but cornbread and shortbread dough.

She dreamed of a man with eyes like Tom Selleck,
and a body as hard as an ancient relic.

The thought of him in a kilt,
Almost made her tilt!

Her palms got all sweaty,
Her pulse was no verra steady.

To take her mind from her plight,
She watched football on Monday night.

The male cheerleaders made her smile,
And beefcake distracted her a while

But to help her pass the night
She had to switch to The Price Is Right,

Reading Gabaldon by day,
Made her nightly kneel and pray

Send my highlander to me
He and I, shall become We

 

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Lady Nancy V:

Tom Selleck was hosting The Price Is Right on the Beefcake network. The predominately female audience was less than interested in the shortbread and cornbread mixes on display for the contestants to guess at the price to win yet another chance to win a chance to guess at other prices. The 4 Ladies Of Lallybroch, who were onstage as contestants, were sweaty.

The correct guess at the prices of the mixes makes the contestant eligible to go to the Highlands of Scotland with THE HIGHLANDER himself!!

This is a hard question, the mixes were an unusual brand!!! Contestant # 4 fainted as the male cheerleaders came on stage, Adrian Paul among them!! In a kilt, announcing he would be the guide of the trip. There was enough beefcake on the stage to cause a magor meltdown!!! Adrian grabbed Lady # 2 and whispered in her ear the price of the mixes, She screams the answer $2.79!!!

Pandemoniam breaks out in the audience and on stage!!! Adrain grabs lady #2 and carries her out to the waiting limo. Ladies 1 and 3 look about ready to follow contestant #4's example!!!

Lady #2 spends the rest of her life in naked splendor in her highlanders arms, in other words, they lived happily ever after!!!!!!!

 

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Laddie David (Mr. Hope):

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the Keep
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a sheep.

Young Seamus MacThistle
Was randy and young
And his body was quivering
To the tip of his tongue.

He rode into the courtyard
In a carriage with four
And he leapt to the ground
Then charged toward the door.

The Scotsman was "hung"
And the lass was a-bed
While visions of sausages
Danced in her head.

He stood there above her,
And her head she did tilt.
To just get a look at
What he had up his kilt.

What she saw was amazing
Many, many centimeters
And would surely put to shame
Many, many male cheerleaders.

So he slipped her his loaf
She had nothing to dread
For she found that it wasn’t
What ye’d call "short bread."

And they lay there a-panting
Her thirsts he did slake
As she watched him just lie there
Like a piece of beefcake.

And she asked, "What’s this cost"
"Why, two shillings per night"
"Well, if you’re paid by the hour, then
the price is sure right!"

She said, "Easy, big fella,
Now that wasn’t so hard…"
"Well I could have done better
But, ye caught me off-guard."

"Now, the second’ll be great,
And the third will be grander
And I’ll make you damned happy
You met this highlander"

So, he tossed her back down
And he did as he’d said,
And the only thing "crumby"
Was a snack of cornbread.

She said, "Oh! Not again?!?"
He said, "Are ye no’ ready?"
She said, "Yes, but it’s just that I’m sore
And you’re sweaty"

"So go take a shower,
Shave off every speck
Of that beard till you look
Like that actor, Tom Selleck."

He said, "I think not
There is work to be done.
There are lasses to bed
And I’ll conquer EACH ONE!!"

So he hopped in his carriage,
To his team gave a whistle
And away he did fly
The Prick of MacThistle.

 

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Lady Martha:

The stunts were hard, and Dirk was sweaty. Not as sweaty as Nigel, though, he thought with malevolent glee. Dirk had purposely taken Nigel’s partner, Tiffani, out for Mexican before the male cheerleaders’ tryout. So now Tiffani was not only wearing an extra couple of pounds, she was also losing the battle with flatulence every time Nigel tossed her up in the air.

"I’ll make Nigel live to regret those beefcake photos he posed for last year," Dirk thought for perhaps the thousandth time. How Nigel had gloated about the money he’d made! "It’ll be filet instead of cornbread for me from now on," he’d crowed. Cornbread, cornbread, CORNBREAD, Dirk fumed as he tossed his own partner, Monique into an aerial flip. So many months now, ever since the "The Price Is Right" debacle, he had been able to afford only the cheapest food, the cheapest clothes. His agent would probably never speak to him again. That damned Bob Barker! Who could have known that he had absolutely NO sense of humor about creative ways to spay or neuter your pets???

As Monique soared into the air and her tiny kilt flew away from her body, the tricks were suddenly not all that was hard. "Concentrate!!" he admonished himself harshly. So much was riding on these tryouts. The weekly TV exposure he would get - albeit fleeting - might be just the kick-start his acting career needed! He was talented wasn’t he? His mother certainly thought so! And Dirk knew he was as handsome as any actor in Hollywood, more handsome than Brandon Fraser, even more handsome than that guy with the girlie name from that TV show about a Highlander. But most of all, he was willing to do anything, absolutely anything to get his foot in the door of the world of acting. Even dress up like a pansy at football games and toss some airheaded girl above his head.

Monique’s thighs slapped satisfyingly against Dirk’s palms as they executed a perfect basket catch. She tried to meet his eyes, to share the certain knowledge of their imminent triumph over Tiffani and Nigel, but Dirk’s attention was fixed incredulously on the small crowd of onlookers.

In their final maneuver, Dirk heaved Monique into the air, enabling him to get a better view of the stands. "Oh. My. God." he marveled. "It’s Tom Selleck!" The Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck, live, in person, nonchalantly snacking on shortbread while he watched the tryouts. Dirk’s attention was fully fixed on this development! How could he use this to his advantage? Monique’s thighs smacked down once again, this time resounding against the platform when Dirk failed to catch her, failed to even reach out and try.

Later, in the lonely silence following the paramedics’ departure, Dirk contemplated his black eye and swollen lip. "Nigel," he mused. "A worthy adversary indeed." Who could have known that Nigel knew him so well? To have used some of the beefcake photo money to hire a Selleck lookalike! How Nigel had smirked as Monique, backside red as a baboon’s, flogged Dirk with one of her Nikes.

Dirk gathered his things, dejected.

"Are ya hungry?" a voice called softly from the gathering darkness.

"Tiffani!" Dirk breathed.

"Yes, Dirk. I am here for you," she whispered, drawing near. "Let’s go some place intimate and share this meal."

Dirk glanced at the picnic basket she held, took her tiny hand in his, and led her toward his car. "What have you brought me?" he inquired with a flirty grin.

Tiffani slid delicately into the passenger seat of the compact sportscar. She smiled coyly and murmured, "Haggis."

 

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Lady Rita:

"Honey, come to bed. It's late!"

"I can't right now. I must finish this thing first."

"Can't it wait? What thing?"

"Well, it's this contest for the Ladies of Lallybroch--"

"Not again! What is it this time?"

"I've got to make this composition using a few words."

"Words?"

"Yes, silly words, like cornbread, shortbread..."

"Sounds more like a cooking book to me, but haven't you already done that?"

"Not a cooking book, unless you count beefcake as an edible dessert.

Hmmm...in a way it is... Maybe I could do a poem. But what rhymes with 'male

cheerleaders'? Breeders, pleaders, stampeders, anteceders..."

"'Male cheerleaders'?! For heaven's sake! Who thought up these words?"

"Well, I'm sure it wasn't CF. Even though 'Highlander' sounds like her kind

of word, I'm pretty sure she would never, and I mean NEVER, include Tom

Selleck in that list. And besides, there's no sausage there. I wish they had

listed sausage too! There's a word with lots of possibilities!"

"You're getting weirder by the day! Tell you what: let's make a deal. You

leave that composition for tomorrow, and I'll put on my kilt and play Rob

Roy just for you. I'll whisper Gaelic in your ear... I'll call you Mary

MacGregor. I'll even call you Sassenach! Aye, lass?"

"And we'll pretend the pool is the loch?"

"If you want to, yes."

"Liam, babe, the price is right! Aye, you've got yourself a deal."

(...)

"Liam..."

"What?"

"You don't suppose you can help me with an idea on how to use 'hard' and

'sweaty'?"

"I believe I can, Mrs. Neeson. I believe I can..."